The vast majority of G-spots exist only within a 50 meter radius of feminist bookstores. The only way that you will ever know that they do exist is that your girlfriend will get mad at you because you can’t find it.

First: If she really insists that you try (she will), first imagine the March Hare escaping down a bunny hole, or perhaps a transit tunnel, depending on your relative weight differential, vis-à-vis your reclining damsel.

Secondly, if your woman is pointed north, head south and/or vice versa. Regardless, you won’t find it. It was there yesterday, you clumsy, fat, insensitive wretch.

Three: Keep trying. Oral sex could still be in your future. Giving, not receiving.

Four: Be ready with a good excuse. “I forgot where my dick was” does not count. When dissatisfied, women require catastrophe. “My scrotum’s missing” also falls short.

Think more in terms of giant, industrial-scale lie. “I’m sorry, babe, somehow my hands and tongue and, um, batteries were simultaneously mangled in a bizarre accident involving tank treads, a helicopter gunship and a 3-story daiquiri machine.”

Five: Say: “But I saved the puppies.” This is gold. You’re back in charge.

Six: If ever this doesn’t work, you can bet that she is ready to admit that she can’t find her G-Thingy either.

Seven: Regardless; if you do ever find it, it doesn’t matter. You will rub it too fast or too slow, too soft or too hard. You will miss to the left or the right, or the front or the rear. And if you should ever, ever, get it juuussssst right, the definition of just right will instantly change.

Eight: Take heart. They will tell you they appreciate you for trying and wait one day before telling their girlfriends that you’re gay.

Epilogue:
Guys are winners.
Guys never participate in anything in which they are guaranteed to lose.
Examples:
A) Trying to push pink thread through the eye of a needle.
B) Urging Arabs to fuck with the United States.
C) Teaching female cobras to relax during anal sex.

Conclusion:
Don’t do these things.
Don’t be Stupid
What G-Spot?

*Cute as Hell